Considering that these were standard expectations just 50 years ago, it's a reminder of how fast things can change.
Now Playing: My wife found these yesterday. How to behave wisely.
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

LoL  --  What if children today were taught to follow these 'rules for children' from the 1950's?   Oh, they are definitely rules that I was taught!     - Lietta

Here are some etiquette "rules" or "suggestions" addressed to children from the 1950s that I found on a loose sheet from an old handbook, I thought they were interesting to share.

Considering that these were standard expectations just 50 years ago, it's a reminder of how fast things can change.

1. Always greet the members of your family when you enter and always bid them goodbye when you leave.
2. Always rise to a standing position when visitors enter, and greet them after your elders.
3. Never address a visitor until he has started the conversation unless he is a person of your own age or younger.
4. Never interrupt a conversation. Wait until the party talking has finished.
5. Always rise when your visitor or your elders stand.
6. Never let your mother or your father bring you a chair or get one for themselves. Wait on them instead of being waited on.
7. If you leave or cross the room you should say "Excuse me."
8. If a visitor should say, "I am glad to have seen you," you should say, "Thank you."
9. Never run up and down the stairs or across the room.
10. Talk in a low, even voice. It denotes refinement.
11. Always give way to the younger child. It is your duty to look after them instead of fretting them.
12. Never retire without bidding the members of your family good night.

Follow these suggestions and you will assist in making the members of your family happy as well as in benefiting them in many other ways.

You bet yer mudflaps
Now Playing: Stranded oyster chasers per Koin 6
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

I did not know that you can grow oysters on a mud flap. 

 

A Portland TV station (Koin 6) reported yesterday that

"Crews say the people were out on the mud flaps trying to catch oysters when their boat washed out to sea, leaving them stranded in a rising tide.

Coast Guard crews rescued them and towed the vessel back to port."

<SCRIPT LANGUAGE='JavaScript1.1'>if (document.layers) {document.write('<SCR' + 'IPT language=JavaScript1.1 src=/Global/ad.asp?type=single&cls1=News&src1=loc&spct1=100&sz1=wnsz_20&callType=script />'); document.close();}</SCRIPT>

 

Pacific County Residency Requirements
Now Playing: Want to move to Willapa Bay? Orientation Required
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

The following are the requirements for newcomers who move to Willapa Country. Of particular concern are newcomers from out of state.

Training is offered once every six months at the Elk Snout Tavern Universal  Acceptance Retreat Yard (E. S. T. U. A. R. Y.) in Bay Center.

The training lasts Ten days and includes role play and modeling.

Courses (Instructors TBA)

Kitchen Detail
Remedial Kitchen Cleanup Class
Intra-Tavern Harmony Class
Respect for Natives
What Happens When You Laugh at Natives Class
Basic PUD Disconnect Avoidance Class
Respect for Female Supervisors
Gossip and Rumor Control Class
Beginning Male Bonding Class
Walking and Gum Chewing Skills
Blending in at Local Tavern Class
Reading and Understanding Small Town Newspapers
Local Dialect Differentiation Class
Local Brewery Detection (formerly known as Moonshine Management
Rural Values and Perspectives
Where to pass on Highway 101
You Might Be A Redneck If ... Class
Hangover Management
Placing that One Phone Call From Jail Class
Win Place or Show at the County Fair
When to Say Hallelujah During Church Services

Extra Credit: Spitoon Recognition and Where You Better Not Spit 

Reality Bites
Now Playing: How do I know? The Bible tells me so.
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

Comic URL: http://cectic.com/019.html Image URL: http://cectic.com/comics/019.png

The smarter-than-you president ... in other words
Now Playing: Need some morning smiles with that oatmeal? Click below for Jon Stewart
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

 

Why Fundamentalist Christians are sexually constipated
Now Playing: I have struck gold on Superstition Mountain!
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

Did you know that if you look in a bible reference for the word "humor", you won't find it?

No dice with "comedy" either. 

You can find deprecating references to "mirth" and dire threats against laughers, but that's about it.

After that lack of success mining the Bible for humor. I then decided to check out "sober" since that seems to be the automatic stance of most of the Christian celebrities who publicly tell God what to do and the people how to behave.

With a broken heart, contrite spirit, real intent and serious mien I went a-seeking (using my LDS King James Version cause it has this very very COOL Topical Guide that is combination concordance and commentary).

After all, isn't that what Mitt Romney would do?

In addition, the Topical Guide doesn't self-destruct if an apostate like me opens it up for usage. I know, I know ... the Topical Guide has of course been dogma-fied to conform to LDS orthodoxy and myth, but ... well ... to each his own.

A good reference book is a good reference book whether Mitt uses it or Bob Jones burns it, right.

Anyway, using the LDS Topical Guide while chasing sobriety, I ran into this one:

"Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind."

1Peter Chapter 1 verse 13.

Brethren, Cialis!!

Omigosh!!!       That's it!

I have struck gold on Superstition Mountain!!

THAT is how and why America's Fundamentalist Literalist Christianity slipped on a scriptural banana peel in the 19^th century. That's why literalists have taken themselves way too seriously.

They are overworking their loins!

Their tender loins ...

their hot loins ...

their aroused loins ...

all kinds of loins that they've been commanded to gird now for 2000 years

... all them loins

... all girded up

... until all they can think about are girded loins

... Catholic and Protestant fundamentalists adoring Jehovah who seems to be the ultimate loin girder

... no wonder Old Wrathful and the Literalists are obsessed with human sexuality.

It's girding the hell out of them.

The most succinct definitition I've seen
Now Playing: So what is the Bible?
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

 myconfinedspace.com 

Honk Twice for Spelling
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

 Home dictionary wasn't available. It's on the child's chair in the kitchen so she can sit at the table.

 

The real truth of dumbass presidential statements and talking points
Now Playing: So I could listen to Presidential newsclips, CNN or Hardball nonsense, or go clean out the cat box. I opt for the last.
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

From Crooks and Liars Sunday Morning 

On this morning’s “Fox NEWS Sunday” Department of Homeland Security Advisor, Fran Townsend, defends the DHS decision to once again allow airline passengers to carry cigarette lighters. Chris Wallace actually makes a few good points, referring to Michael Chertoff’s gut, the fact that passengers still can’t take a bottle of water on board and then asks Townsned point blank if she really thinks that a lighter on board a plane isn’t dangerous.

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Jesus' General in high and mighty form today.
Now Playing: Anything more than the excerpt below would give too much away ...
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

click on the link and go read the whole thing

 

Of all of the evils secularization has wrought upon our culture, I believe the change in our attitudes toward sex is the most destructive. Ask random people on the street what purpose sex serves, and they'll most likely tell you that it's either for enjoyment or for the expression of love. In other words, it's all about personal gratification.

Very few will mention procreation, the lesser of the only two purposes acceptable to true Christians. Fewer yet, if any, will mention the other, more important, purpose, the one that allows us to continue having sex after our not-men become barren: that is sex as a form of worship.

Dr. Dobson describes it this way:

"The sacred act symbolizes the spiritual union that will occur between Christ and His bride the Church upon his return to Earth."

As an important form of worship, it should be just as much a part of our daily life as prayer or flagellation, but far too often, we let that part of our spiritual life slip as we get older.  

 

 

My dog would never attempt this at home
Now Playing: Besides, he knows where the emergency break pedal is and his paw can reach it.
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

There is or used to be a sign on the freeway somewhere between Idaho Falls and my hometown that says, "Tourists: Do Not Laugh at the Natives!".

One reason why: 

A/P via MSNBC 

[Excerpt] 

Dog drives owner’s car into river Canine gives new meaning to the phrase ‘bad dog’

“There’s nothing weirder than looking at your car cruising down your driveway when you’re not in it and seeing your dog jump out and then watching your car go splash,” Ewing said.

Actually, things got a little weirder when the tow truck driver showed up.

Before the driver dove into the water to hook the car up to his truck, he asked Ewing to hold his dentures.

“My car’s in the drink, I’ve got dentures in my hand and this guy Keith ... goes swimming,” Ewing noted.

 

He Ain't One of Us!!
Now Playing: Cartooonist Mike Luckovich
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

This week in Cartoon
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

 From the Family Values People

 

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You tell em, Jimmy! 

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 Mr. President, we're not bluffing!

 

 

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Cartoonist Dana Summers

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Heckofajob Bushie
Now Playing: Cartoonist Clay Jones via www.slate.com
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

Quotables on our current Attorney General
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces
"Almost everybody in Washington is still calling for Gonzales to resign. President Bush said Gonzales' testimony last week increased his confidence in him. Bush said he had no idea Gonzales could lie like that." --Jay Leno

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"It's so hard to follow. That is exactly why the president was so impressed. ... Legally, Gonzales had to appear before Congress, so his choice was either to expose the administration's political machinations, or appear to be a functioning pinhead. He went with pinhead. And if I may say ... nailed it" --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on Alberto Gonzales' Senate testimony

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"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno

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"He is not exactly a constitutional scholar. At one point, he tried to plead the fifth dimension." --Bill Maher

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"After weeks of mock testimony, there you have it. Alberto Gonzales doesn't know what happened, but he assures you, what he doesn't remember was handled properly." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

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"A lot of people are asking for extensions this year ... even President Bush. He got an extension because he's still deciding whether or not to write off Alberto Gonzales." --Jay Leno, on taxes

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"President Bush has big April Fools' Day plans. He's going to call Alberto Gonzales and tell him he's doing a heckuva a job." --David Letterman

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"I think the pressure is starting to get to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Did you hear about today? He tried to fire the cast of 'Boston Legal.'" --Jay Leno

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"Some Republicans in Washington are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, but apparently, they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. As a result, the number one candidate is Judge Judy." --Stephen Colbert

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Law & Disorder
Now Playing: Rethuglicans
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

Taking the law into their own hands
Now Playing: Weird Laws Around the Country
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

Weird American Laws

Alabama

* Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Alaska

* In Fairbanks, it is illigal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.


Arizona

* In Globe, it is illigal to play cards in the street with a Native American.


Arkansas

* Schoolteachers who bob their hair may forfeit their pay raises.


California


* It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Colorado

* In Pueblo, it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within city limits.

Connecticut

* In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog.

Delaware

* Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.

Florida

* In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

Georgia

* In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.


Hawaii

* It is illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks.


Idaho

* In Pocatello, ``It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation.''


Illinois

* In Guernee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.


Indiana

* Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.


Iowa

* State law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a one-armed piano player.


Kansas

* In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.


Kentucky

* It is illegal to remarry the same man four times.

Louisiana

* It is against the law to gargle in public.

Maine

* In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.

Maryland

* It's illegal to mistreat oysters.


Massachusetts

* It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.

Michigan

* Under state law, dentists are officially classified as ``mechanics.''

Minnesota

* Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.

Mississippi

* In Truro, a would-be groom must ``prove himself manly'' prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.

Missouri

* In Saco, women are forbidden from wearing hats that ``might frighten timid persons, children or animals.''

Montana

* In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Nebraska

* If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.

Nevada

* In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

New Hampshire

* It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

New Jersey

* In Newark, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

New Mexico

* In Raton, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.

New York

* In New York City, it is illegal for a man to turn around and look ``at a woman in that way,'' and violators are forced to wear horse blinders.

North Carolina

* In Charlotte, women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

North Dakota

* It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

Ohio

* In Cleveland, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

Oklahoma

* People who make ``ugly faces'' at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

Oregon

* In Marion, ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Pennsylvania

* "Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes".

Rhode Island

* It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

South Carolina

* No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.

South Dakota

* It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.

Tennessee

* Also in Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; ``a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists.''

Texas

* A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

Utah

* A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

Vermont

* Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Virginia

* In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.

Washington

* Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.

West Virginia

* In Nicholas County, no clergy members may tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during church services.

Wisconsin

* It is illegal to kiss on a train.

Wyoming

* It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.

Wanna buy an infallible Volkswagen?
Now Playing: Pope?s old VW fails to sell on eBay
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces
[Excerpt]

Online casino GoldenPalace.com CEO Richard Rowe poses with the 1999 Volkswagen Golf once registered in the name of German Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, during a presentation in Cologne, Germany, May 19, 2005.

Killer Biscuits
Topic: Humor Bits & Pieces

 

Linda, 23, was visiting her in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Republican, originally from Texas, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.